I am beginning to wonder what in the hell is wrong with me. I had a conversation with a friend yesterday regarding love, and my pursuit for an existing relationship within this homosexual lifestyle. Considering the average gay relationship expectancy is 3 months and comes with infidelity, lies, and a loaf of secrecy, it should be easy to understand my relunctancy to enter into another relationship. But for some reason, I seem to be left of a brick wall and right of a rock, not knowing what to do and not really sure of what I want.
I meet decent guys, genuinely nice guys who want to treat me right. Those are the ones that I call when I'm bored, text when there is free time at work , and eventually begin to distance myself from subconsciously. But then there are the bad guys. Lord knows I have had my share of bad guys. These are the ones with secrecies, these are the ones who call me when they are bored, and who spend time with me at their convenience. Not so cool. But yet and still, I call and grow an increasingly scary attraction for these guys. Why? Please if I knew I wouldnt be writing this post. It absolutely makes no sense at all to me.
A friend asked me what is it that I want, what am I looking for? I am not looking for a damn thing. I want a companion, a friend, someone to spend time with..but then I dont want the commitment..sometimes Dr. Dre likes to do Dr. Dre and spend time alone, hang out with friends, and dont feel like calling home to tell baby daddy what I am doing. A relationship is a responsibility, and immaturely so, I am not sure I want that responsibility right now.
BUT THEN...I think its because I am scared to give myself to another the way I did for my ex. I am afraid if I give another my all, I will be wandering down the long path of heartache, stress and agony...once again. I am not sure if my soles can take another stroll down that road...
Mood: Confused
Outlook: Positive
Thursday, October 4, 2007
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10 comments:
Don’t believe the hype. You can find love in a gay or straight relationship; it all depends on you allowing true love in. Remember what the bible says about love and I believe the bible says it better than any greeting card….. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor, and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13
That being said; love yourself first so that you can be love by others. Sometimes, as gay men of color, I think we fool ourselves into believing that we love ourselves but we do things that are so self destructive that it only serves to prove that we do not. Of course that is only One Man’s Opinion. God Bless.
Relationships are hard, whether gay or straight. As far as heartbreak, some of us fall harder than others. I know I fall hard and it does not feel good. I choose to be alone because it is easier to be alone without all the drama and crap. When true love comes your way, and as quiet as it is keep you can find it in a homosexual relationship, I just pray you are able to see it and open yourself up to it. The bad ones just zap your energy and steal your joy and trust me, they can do that without you ever being a true relationship with them.
Hey...like most things in life you get out what you put in...you don't want to commit, well don't expect to have a commitment, etc. The moment you can say, 'fuck it' to vulnerability and give in, you'll get the same in return. You can't prevent being exposed, but just think of how good you'll feel with the breeze hittin' your nuts. :)
Thanks One Man's Opinion. I feel exactly what you are saying about we as gay men of color fooling ourselves to think we love ourselves. This calls for some soul searching..
Thanks guys!.
Oh, Andre. You are silly.
Love, Tab
I've always believed that part of the reason gay relationships aren't longterm is the exact thing you want to do...alienate your partner.
You want to do you and have your own friends, fun, alone time, etc. Why not do it together? I mean, everyone needs there space, but I really think gay guys do a poor job of incorporating each other in their lives outside the confines of the bedroom. There's no reason to commit on a long-term basis b/c two guys never really fully become apart of each other's lives.
Think about your most significant love interest. If he died today and you went to his funeral, would other attendees have a clue as to who you are and the connection you two shared? I met my ex's mom once and sister twice, but they don't know me from a man on the moon.
They'd interrupt the funeral and ask, who is this fool showing out in the middle of the aisles? This is not a Patti concert.
Just my $.02
Sounds like you might be carring around some baggage from past relationships. I think most of us do in some way, shape or form- but I look at it like gambling. The odds are stacked high against you. Even Amy Winehouse said that love is a losing game. But, its worth it. The more you step up and give love a chance the more likely you are to hit the jackpot.
With that being said, love is too special to give up on.
You guys are the best! I am so happy I joined the blog family. Now Mr. Jones, I dont bring my man around my friends, because its just a itchy situation that I dont want to get myself in. I dont want my man and my freinds to be to comfortable, i have seen that go sour. Trust me Mr. Jones...move on..(love ya)
mmm..ur a trip boo-boo...but I'm gonna have to agree w/ many of your other comments..we've all been done wrong, many times in a relationship that we gave so much too..you have to take time to heal and then you'll be soon be able to heal, leave all the pain behind and then love fully..be then again, who am I to talk?? lol..lol...
Hmmmmm...interesting. You know, I've been around ma dudes friends (Hi Lil Dred...lol) a lot and most of them are mad cool and like me. I generally get along with anyone of intelligence and substance so it's easy. Conversely he's only been around my friends like 3 times. He's rather shy and I find the interaction rather...ummmmmm...uncomfortable for me. Granted the last time we all went out he was very comfortable and we had a good time and I was happy.
I love Mr. Jones comment about how we say you want a relationship but then you go about your lives seperately. Ya gotta let each other into your lives. At the same time, it's healthy in any relationship to spend time apart with your seperate friends sometimes so long as you remember where home is! Having said that, last Friday into Saturday I was with my friends. Guess where I'll be this WHOOOOOLLLE weekend...? *Wink* LoL
~Damnit!
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