Money Can't Buy Love....or can it?

Is it really true that money can't buy love, or is this something we just tell poor people to keep them from rioting? As I sit here writing my checks to Citibank Student Loan, Sprint PCS and Tmobile, I think about how I am blessed to be able to pay my bills and how unfortunate it is for those who can not. It took me back to a few months ago, I would always see this homeless couple on my way to work, that is when I worked in Los Angeles, CA. They were the happiest people I had ever seen in my life, happier than some of the most wealthiest pretty faces you see on Access Hollywood. To my suprise they even had a pet cat! Now, I personally hate cats and find it quite unsettling on my chest, that they had the nerve to have a pet and didnt have a home. If you are struggling to feed yourself, why are you taking in another mouth to feed? Nonetheless, the couple were happy. I would speak every morning as I passed them on the way into the office, and watch them as they cuddled over the vent to keep each other warm from the cold front coming off of the water, and shared whatever food they managed to have with each other. Now my mother always said, you can tell if a man loves you if he is willing to give you his last.

Now that I am back in Baltimore, aint a damn thing changed. I still see the happiest homeless couples in downtown Baltimore and today it became the topic of conversation in the office. I had to ask myself, could I see myself smiling and giggly if I was in that situation. Being completely honest, I'd have to say no.

Historically, I have been called a "gold digger" or "expensive". Your honor, I plead not guilty. I like nice things, yes. Sometimes I spend a lot of money on things that others feel arent worth it, but to me a good pair of Dolce & Gabbana shades are priceless. In past "dates" and "relationships" I have found it hard to find myself comfortable enough to be happy with someone who could not bring at LEAST what I bring to the table. Saying that, I am not rich, so it shouldnt take much. A nice gentlemen, with a decent education, and a honest 9 to 5 is not much to ask. I need stability and structure in my life...and in my men.

There was this one guy...Glenn was his name. He was about two years older than I, and we dated my senior year of high school, summer before college. He didnt have a stable job, stable living conditions, not even a stable lifestyle. We were young. His life consisted of clubbing, drinking, fighting etc. Anyone who knew Glenn, knew that I was his world. He would do anything for me. He couldnt afford to take me to restaurants, buy me nice things, or travel to different places when I wanted to. THAT began to take a toll on our relationship. I was tired of feeling like I had to slide down an economic group in order to be able to be with him and I DAMN sure wasn't paying for a grown man every time we went out. I admit that I was blind and took him for granted. I later found out those shoes he purchased for me for christmas, was his gas money to work for an entire week (yes he walked to work...now thats love). I also found out from his bestfriend (who became my roomate in Los Angeles) that he cried when he couldnt throw me the big birthday party that I wanted for my birthday. Now, four years or so later, I realize everything he couldnt give me monetarily , he gave me emotionally. I have been on dates with guys with money and dated guys who had at least what I had, if not more. But the love Glenn gave me was a different kind of love. I struggle asking myself, if he had a more stable lifestyle and income, would I have been more eager and willing to stick around and make it work?

So can money buy you love?

Or is it not about focusing on what they cant offer monetarily?


Your thoughts....

Love Jones

Interestingly enough, I was compelled to send a friend a text message yesterday, asking the question "Is Love Enough?". Let me back it up a bit, and give a glimpse of the history.

Have you ever met someone that you truly felt was your soulmate, your counterpart, your everything. The love between you two is never a question, the attraction is never doubted, but yet something has managed to keep you two apart? He says physically we have been distanced by time and space. When we first met I was in college, then I quickly moved to Los Angeles. Whenever we see each other, I cant stand to be around him for more than 5 minutes because my heart melts. We used to talk every single day, and text each other pretty often as well. The first email I sent when I got to work was to him. I would sign on aim on my days off when I knew he was at work, just to talk to him. Time and space is something that can be fixed....right?

Its almost like we have become accustomed to the relationship we have, and neither of us are aspiring to make it more. We have watched each other through heartaches, heartbreaks, laugter and even shared some of our most inner secrets with each other. He has managed to be there through tough times for me, and I have suppressed my inner feelings for him in an effort to maintain a support friend relationship, while I watched him be treated like a option , rather than a priority by some lame loser that he was in a quasi-relationship with ( I am sure as he reads this, he knows exactly who im talking about, lol). So I realized that I have drowned and dismissed my feelings for him in the acceptance that it will never work. But why?

If our love is as strong as we say it is, then why? Is love not enough? I used to think he was my soulmate, GOD gift of perfection. I must admit I am a hard person to please and I have given him a hard way to go. I have caught attitudes, make smart remarks, let him down and did things he did not agree with. I began to feel a sense of inadequancy. He learned to love an imperfect person, perfectly.

So is love enough? Or are there certain people in our life who are meant to be that safety net who catches us, right before we leap off of the cliff of love into the pit of loveless? Everytime I say I am through with love....he always manages to send a message, send a smile, or make a call that lets me know that there still is a such thing called love. A end to hopelessness and of giving up.

Jai if you are reading this, know that I love you unconditionally and I am ever so grateful for the love we share, the smiles we have created and the memories that will never be forgotten. Every once in a while GOD's sends special people in our lives. Like Kanye said, "people never get the flowers while they can still smell them ". So I am taking this time to say thank you, thank you for being you, for being my freind and for keeping me from giving up on love....

CUNT

The new Mary J. Blige joint is fiyah! I love this song. She is screaming through my computer speakers as I type. Besides the fact that I am irriated by the lingering and yet disturbing odor of steak fish that my coworker reheated in the office microwave for breakfast. What ever happened to a nice english muffin, with a slice of cheese? Is a plain bagel with cream cheese too much to ask nowadays?

Life is just life over here. I have been spending a lot of time with my friends Traron and Kevin and lets just say...times have been grand! I truly love those two. Traron and his sassy mouth, swagger in his walk and Kevin and his size 28 waist and sassy mouth. We had a discussion last night about cunt. Well...let me first explain the history and what lead to it...

A heterosexual co-worker of mine called me a cunt, jokingly. I immediately gagged, and took about 3 mins to regroup from the mouth drop. Later on, I asked him what was a cunt. He told me a cunt was a pussy (for those who prefer politically correct, vagina). I told him how often homosexuals use the word cunt to refer to a PERSON,PLACE, or THING that is womanly, or of feminine nature. Now how a PLACE is cunt, I have yet to come to understand. BUT, I am guilty as charged, I call shoes, people, cars, and even ideas cunt.

So last night I had a discussion about the word cunt and where it came from. Why there is such a infactuation with homosexuals and feminity. I have heard my friends (again, I am guilty as charged), refer to themselves or others as "white woman cunt". I am having a halloween party and many of my freinds have said they were coming as Marilyn Monroe, Victoria Gotti, Victoria Beckham, Audrey Hepburn...no one is coming as Dorothy Dandridge.

So I pose the questions to you:

What do you think of when you hear or see the word cunt?

Where do you think homosexual infactuations with white women came from?



PS. Miss steak fish for breakfast, just came to my desk smelling like Fritos. Its not even 11am yet.

Its Been A Long Time Coming...

Ok, I sincerely apologize. Its been about 10 days since I last posted. I am still here. Listening to "No One Will Do" by Mary J Blige and struggling to keep my eyes shut at work...I said let me write on my blog.

The past week has been busy with me planning my Halloween Party (which is next wed october 31). I am struggling to stay awake because I decided to travel to Washington DC last night to go to BBar and I didnt make it in my bed until 3:30. Meanwhile, I had to get up at 5:45 for work. So uhhh yea! I am pretty tired.

Whats new with me? Nothing at all. I have just been working and preparing for my party. "Thighs" hit me up two nights ago on my way to see "Why Did I Get Married?" (for the second time), making a sexual proposition to me. I declined, and I am struggling with the reason behind the decline. Was it because I was out and on my way to the movies, or did I really decline him because in my heart of all hearts I know this isnt a healthy situation?

The weirdest thing occurred last night at BBar. My ex lovers bestfriend made a pass at me. It took me aback and I was shocked. As the night went on, and the bass toned out of the speakers, the lights came up, the patrons exited....I began to examine the situation a little bit more . He confessed that he has always had his eye on me, and although him and my ex arent as close anymore, he felt now he could tell me. I was flattered, I must admit. We exchanged numbers because we were cool and just happend to lose contact. We have been texting each other all morning and although I am not 100% sure my ex would show me the same respect....the invitation to spend time with his bestfriend, get to know his bestfriend was enticing and appealing, but the heart of all hearts in me declined. So do I tell my ex? Am I just as guilty for exchanging numbers and entertaining the idea? Who does the burden of loyalty lie on?

Nothing Major....

Well, a HUGE thank you for all of your advice on my last post. Some of you contacted me via other methods than a comment on my blog, but thats ok. You all were just as candid and blunt, and I appreciate it.

Well, boy o boy. This was truly a long but FUN weekend. I hung out all weekend with my freinds, went to the block party in Baltimore, had a few drinks, saw some old faces. It dawned on me this weekend when I went out to celebrate my "gay pride-ness" that it was my FIRST appearance since I cut my locs off. Baby, when I tell you...I stepped out the car and cameras started flashing. The weekend gave me time away from "thighs" and just to concentrate on myself and how I refuse to be someone's second dish. I am the main dessert, that you go back for seconds of.

So while I was out at the block party I met a interesting guy. I wont go into too much detail about him, but just know he is there. I dont want to hop out of one pot of fire into another one, so I am just chillin right now. Life is good. The sun is shining.

OOO one of my friends just told me they are moving to LA next year. I am sad. We have to create countless memories in the next coming months. Thats my X (no not ex date, x is my nickname for him).

Anyway, have a good day and I hope everyone had a good weekend a good holiday.

Knee-buckling Banging...

Now I have been EXTREMELY hesitant about posting anything involving relationships and sex on this blog (keeping in the forefront of your mind, that im fairly new to this). However, I realized my face isnt up here and half of you don't know me and probably never will. I'm fine with that. I just felt the need to share a recent situation that has been creating a lot of buzz in my coffee shop.

I met this guy name "thighs" (for sake of this post). He is extremely attractive. Beautiful thighs, pretty feet, nice round ass, big juicy lips, muscular arms big enough to wrap me up inside, a stick that has proven to be magical. When I say magical, I mean toe curling, sweat creating, juices flow type of magic. Hot?Yes. And he leaves much to be desired, and im desiring more.

"Thighs" is a bit of a freak. He has introduced ideas, thoughts, and fantasies that Dr. Dre wouldnt even allow to enter my most wet thoughts. He has taken my mind to places sexually, that I didnt know existed. Strokes?Long. Thrust?Repeatedly. Blows?Many.

I often find myself laying to bed at night, thinking about him and where he is going to take me next. Is his tongue going to be like it was the last time? Will he kiss my neck and blow my ears again? When he slides in me, will it be enough force to penetrate but not too much to cause pain? The soft moans in my ear, asking me does it feel good, penetrating deep enough to cause me to hiccup and stutter "yes". Amazing.Unbelieveable.Sensational.Passionate.

"Thighs" has a girlfriend.

Im a Nerd with Purple locs !

I feel so dorky making another post on the same day. I usually, under normal circumstances, chose not to engage in the tomfoolery that exist in these online contest, surverys, blah blah blah

But this one was COOL! I thought I'd share.
http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp

Me..Thoughts...Insanity...

I am beginning to wonder what in the hell is wrong with me. I had a conversation with a friend yesterday regarding love, and my pursuit for an existing relationship within this homosexual lifestyle. Considering the average gay relationship expectancy is 3 months and comes with infidelity, lies, and a loaf of secrecy, it should be easy to understand my relunctancy to enter into another relationship. But for some reason, I seem to be left of a brick wall and right of a rock, not knowing what to do and not really sure of what I want.

I meet decent guys, genuinely nice guys who want to treat me right. Those are the ones that I call when I'm bored, text when there is free time at work , and eventually begin to distance myself from subconsciously. But then there are the bad guys. Lord knows I have had my share of bad guys. These are the ones with secrecies, these are the ones who call me when they are bored, and who spend time with me at their convenience. Not so cool. But yet and still, I call and grow an increasingly scary attraction for these guys. Why? Please if I knew I wouldnt be writing this post. It absolutely makes no sense at all to me.

A friend asked me what is it that I want, what am I looking for? I am not looking for a damn thing. I want a companion, a friend, someone to spend time with..but then I dont want the commitment..sometimes Dr. Dre likes to do Dr. Dre and spend time alone, hang out with friends, and dont feel like calling home to tell baby daddy what I am doing. A relationship is a responsibility, and immaturely so, I am not sure I want that responsibility right now.

BUT THEN...I think its because I am scared to give myself to another the way I did for my ex. I am afraid if I give another my all, I will be wandering down the long path of heartache, stress and agony...once again. I am not sure if my soles can take another stroll down that road...

Mood: Confused
Outlook: Positive

Where is the love......?

I really don't understand some of the nonsense we people find humourous. Last night, as I laid there skimming every so lightly through the October edition of Vogue, my attentiveness was interrupted by sounds of laughter. Being the nosey person I am, and ever so intrigued , I decided to mark the Dolce & Gabbana ad that I had been scrutinizing, only to zone in on the television screen. Do not ask me what the show was, because it was my first and last time ever watching it.

Cedric the Entertainer was on television comedically (thats what they called it not me) speaking about how Halloween is a big thing in Los Angeles. As a ex-California resident, I can second that notation. West Hollywood really gets down for Halloween with a huge block party and celebration that draws crowds by the thousands. West Hollywood is also known to be the gay ghetto (I use this term in the Webster sense). Next thing you know, I see drag queens in costumes frolicing across my screen yelling "Happy Homoween". I was perplexed.

Here is my problem. We as blacks , people who have been surpressed and in many arenas and still are, are in no way, shape, or form to become oppressors. Where do we get off ridiculing and making a mockery of someones lifestyle, much like whites did to us for many years? Had Rosie or David Letterman did a segment that featured a group of blacks wearing baggy clothes, eating chicken and watermelon, shouting "Happy Niggerween", Al Sharpton would have been pounding their door down with the forces of the nation. Its very hyprocitcal to argue for equality but yet and still make fun of homosexuals on national television in a comedic way. There is nothing comedic about being a homosexual. Homosexuality has the same love that exist in hetereosexual relationships, homosexuals are people just like heterosexuals and just like blacks..who have the RIGHT to be fairly treated. I should not turn on the television and see my lifestyle being utilized as a comedic relief for some after work relaxation, much like a black person should not see their race being made a mockery of.

This was really bothering me and I just felt the need to comment on it....

New Beginnings....

Life aint been no crystal stair. But fortunately for me, I have been blessed with meeting very special individuals. Over this past weekend, I was introduced via a freind, to a great guy. We will call him "Mr." for now. We have so much in common its not even funny. I have never met anyone who appreciated the things I appreciate in life (ie. museums, long walks, Desperate Housewives, Young & Restless, and going out to eat). Its amazing how well we get along, but its still fairly new so blog world...stay tuned for more about "Mr.". This is my first post and probably will not be too long because I am at work and "Mr" is coming to meet me in 25 mins.

I was STRONGLY encouraged to finally peep into the blog world and see what all this hype is about. As I sit at work, listening to Kelly Rowland and Eve "Like This", and enjoying the fresh scent of my brand spanking new glad plug-ins, I cant help but to be so thankful for the place I am in my life. For anyone who knows me, knows that I have been so much happier since I moved back from Los Angeles, CA. Being away made me realize how much I missed my freinds and family...and..well...how much I took them granted. Being 3,000 miles away missing out on birthdays, holidays, family dinners, family laughs, family fights, gossiping with the "girls" and just throwing back shots with the crew.

So I called this post "New Beginnings". I feel like its a new beginning of my life. I cut my locs off after six years, I moved back to Baltimore and I met "Mr" (who could be the beginning of something new). I know its too early to assume anything, but in this lifestyle we must remain optimistic.

Thanks Kimmie. I love you !